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Mean Defenses

Dear One, you are passive aggressive. This means that in your fear of being rejected or hurting another’s feelings you do not say what you want or need. You don’t want to disappoint any one or make any waves. You want to appear as cooperative and easy. Then when you don’t get your needs filled you begin to build a case that supports resentment. Sometimes you allow this to go on for many days, even weeks or months. Your friends will assume all is OK with you when deep inside your mind you are keeping score and accumulating evidence against them. Then one day they may set a boundary with you or ask you to do something that requires you to extend yourself and all of a sudden you become angry. Your anger isn’t about what just happened but it’s about an accumulation of things you think happened that thwarted you. Because of your refusal to say and do what you needed for yourself you blame others when they do. You go from being passive to aggressive. Can you imagine the surprise your friends feel when it seems out of the blue you are unhappy. You tell me that some of your friends have actually left the friendship because of this pattern. You say you are justified in your anger fits. You say that you have to be mean otherwise the other person won’t listen. Have you not learned that meanness only shames and dishonors you? So perhaps it’s time to learn to take full responsibility for telling others what you need and to make amends for your inappropriate and mean spirited tirades.

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